Funny Jokes About Beating Someone Up
They say a joke becomes a dad joke when it becomes apparent. We would say it's when it's all groan. (Sorry.)
We're not sure who invented the term "dad jokes," but we know one when we see one. A dad joke is almost always pithy, and frequently corny. Here, in honor of Reader's Digest's 100th anniversary, are more than 100 of the best dad jokes from our first 100 years. And if your funny bone requires further tickling, check out some of our other favorites, such as the 100 best jokes ever published in Reader's Digest, our collection of easy-to-remember short jokes, and our compendium of totally corny jokes. For more about dads (both funny and inspiring), take a look at our memorable list of dad quotes, or get Mom laughing with these hilarious mom jokes.
Best dad jokes
- How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
- How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
- How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
- How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
- I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?
- I was addicted to the hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.
- I don't trust stairs. They are always up to something.
- Today, my son asked, "Can I have a bookmark?" I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
- When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
- Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
- Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
- Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
- A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
- Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.
- We all know about Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.
- When does a joke become a "dad joke"? When it becomes apparent.
- I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears.
- What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.
- I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads.
- The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an "outstanding balance."
- What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A starfish.
- Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
- What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.
- Did you hear about the surgeon who enjoyed performing quick surgeries on insects? He did one on the fly.
- What's a vampire's favorite ship? A blood vessel.
- There's only one thing I can't deal with, and that's a deck of cards glued together.
- The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Corny dad jokes
- "Knock, knock."
- "Who's there?"
- "Nobel."
- "Nobel who?"
- "Nobel, so I just knocked."
- "Knock, knock."
- "Who's there?"
- "Alabama."
- "Anybody with you?"
- "Nope. I'm Alabama self."
- "Knock, knock."
- "Who's there?"
- "Ayatollah."
- "Ayatollah who?"
- "Ayatollah you already."
- Son: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I'm Dad.
- Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
- Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There's Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
- What's the least-spoken language in the world? Sign language.
- What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.
- I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find were 6,000 matches.
- I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.
- Did you hear about…
- …the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?
- …the bankrupt poet who ode everyone?
- …the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given a ticket for making a ewe turn?
- …the cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
- …the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.
- What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
- Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
- A friend of mine didn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- What sound does a witch's car make? Broom broom!
- I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.
- What's the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.
- How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.
Looking for something sweeter this Father's Day? Write one of these heartfelt Father's Day messages in a card this year.
- Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watchdogs.
- What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.
- Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
- What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
- What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.
- Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
- What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
- Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.
- Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.
- What is the Easter bunny's favorite type of music? Hip-hop.
- A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He's an extremely aggressive janitor.
- I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It's my special tea.
- My son's fourth birthday was today. When he came to see me, I didn't recognize him at first. I had never seen him be four.
- I recently went to the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit. Honestly, not a big fan.
- I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, "Man wanted for robbery." So I went in and applied for the job.
- How long should socks be? Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot.
- Did you hear the joke about experiencing déjà vu? Did you hear the joke about experiencing déjà vu?
- A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
- I'm reading a novel where the main character has strained the muscles around his spine. That's his back story.
- My doctor told me I've really grown as a person. Well, her exact words were that I "gained excess weight."
- What do you call someone who always states the obvious? Someone who always states the obvious.
- Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.
- 3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
- You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
- What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche.
Pick out the perfect gift for dad to go along with these dad jokes this Father's Day.
Funny dad jokes
- A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
- A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. "We don't serve your kind here," the bartender says. "Why not?" one yogurt asks. "We're cultured."
- A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. "I'd like some wings and a pint of beer, please," it says. "Sorry, but I can't serve you," the bartender replies. "You're out of your head."
- A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
- A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
- Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach…"
- What did one DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"
- What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
- How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
- Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
- My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point.
- Teacher: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool." Johnny: "So, what are the words?"
- Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross.
- I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but the kids still get in.
Everyone knows Dad loves a laugh, but show him you get his softer side with these father-son and father-daughter quotes.
- A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
- Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- What do Bostonians call a fake noodle? An impasta.
- A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
- My son has his BA and his MA, but his PA still supports him.
- What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.
- What does "idk" stand for? Everyone I ask says, "I don't know."
- Why was the pig covered in ink? Because it lived in a pen.
- Did you hear about the guy who stole 50 cartons of hand sanitizer? They couldn't prosecute—his hands were clean.
- Why was the rookie police officer assigned to hunt the cannibal? The more seasoned officers had already been eaten.
- What do you call a snitching scientist? A lab rat.
- What's the difference between a man wearing pajamas on a bicycle and a guy wearing a tuxedo on a unicycle? Attire.
- It's a shame that the Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green. That would've been sublime.
- Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escaped from the zoo? It was otter chaos.
- What did the skeleton order with its beer? A mop.
- Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
- How much do I love crunchy tacos? From my head tomatoes.
- What kind of spells do leprechauns use? Lucky Charms.
Loving these dad jokes? Then you're sure to cackle at these Father's Day memes.
Bad dad jokes
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
- My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
- What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
- Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
- If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
- My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
- My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
- What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?
- Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.
- What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
- You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
- In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
- Can February March? No, but April May.
- Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That's just how eye roll.
- If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
- What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
- What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell check.
After reading these bad dad jokes, cuddle up and watch these Father's Day movies.
- I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
- I began to read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen—I can feel it.
- Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
- My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.
- I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
- Cooking out this weekend? Don't forget the pickle. It's kind of a big dill.
- Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
- What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
- A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
- Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
- What's brown and sticky? A stick.
- My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I think this could spell disaster.
- I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll try a grape.
- Armed robbers—some say they're a drain on society, but you've got to give it to them.
- It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat.
- I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down. I told him that's not funny, but he said it was an inside joke.
- My girlfriend says it's either her or my career as a news reporter. I have some breaking news for her.
- Inflation is really getting out of hand, but that's just my five cents.
- I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands. I mean, I'm usually wrong, but I can guess.
- I've been breeding racing deer. Just trying to make a quick buck.
- How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw it in most of the way and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.
- My dentist offered me dentures for only a dollar. It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.
A card with any of these dad jokes will make the old man smile, but to really wow him, add a personalized Father's Day gift.
Additional reporting research by Linda Roman and Greg Daugherty.
Source: https://www.rd.com/article/dad-joke-tweets/
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